Dear diary,

My name is Eleanor Fox. Yeah I gave myself that name because I hate my real name. Hell I dont think I could ever have that name anyway since I'm asian but well who knows, am I right?

So it was a retarded Sunday, 27th Feb 2005, I popped out of my mum's ass for no reason (oh boy here we go).

- Congratulation it's a boy - what I'd imagine the doctor said.

But well what I bet the doctor don ever wanna see is that he was wrong...

No no he's right, I have a penis. It's just that it doesn't feel right, I don't feel like a boy he and my parents believed me to be at all. Infact I wrote this to say that I am a transfemme, I am a girl and I know I am don't you dare tell me otherwise.

And so this website is here for me to vent outside of twitter and Owler

So this is me...or...this used to be me...

Anyone saying I look like a man could just...say it straight to my face cause the "girl" is right here :3

This was the start of my longest hairgrowth journey as a closeted transfemme who was blessed by god to be this cute while pre everything :D

Fast forward 2 years later yadi yada got bangs and shit and this is me almost 2 weeks ago...

Dare I say this was the prettiest of me.

Then things turned abit sad for me...

A few days after that pic, me and my mum went to a therapist because I came out to her. Oh the result? He said I am a girl, but not yet there and with the WILL to CHANGE I could be a NORAL MAN.

Make up your mind will ya sir? You don't know how "life ruined" what you just said was...

So on the way home mum said she's gonna have to "FIX" me for my "FUTURE". And so immediatly she...she took me to...a barber...and they took...my 3 years worth of hair away. Back to the beginning...

They took my self confidence away...

I had to FAKE MY SMILES AND LAUGHS FOR THE SAKE OF EVERYBODY ELSE...

I couldn't cry. THE CLOSEST I GOT TO CRYING IS LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY LIKE A MANIAC IN MY ROOM WHILE ROTTING.

I haven't gone outside at all. Like AT ALL.

I wanna cry so bad...

It's late, I am going to bed now. I hope ya happy knowing you fixed your child by giving it more of the same old mental health problem, I hope ya happy knowing you fucked my life up. Yeah I called myself an IT, what's the PROBLEM?.

Dear diary,

It's been 2 weeks since the thing, my mental health improved abit. Not much, but atleast it improved.

Still I just can't imagine strangers calling me a boy/man so I still haven't step out of the house. I know I will have to eventually but I'm delaying it for as long as possible because fuck life.

Ooh ooh ooh I'm watching a Simpsons youtube shorts and Homer really said "Oh my gay dad is gay for gays" and it is now my favourite line hehe

Ooh I gotta go, gotta go and sit my life away now...

But I'm dirt cheap.
I have discounts.
Then what the hell am I doin here?
This is not Costco.

...

Whatever makes the price low.
Whatever I can.
I'm such an asian
A fucking asian...

But I'm dirt cheap.
I have discounts.
Then what the hell am I doin here?
This is not Costco.
This is not Costco...

I just ran,
I ran so far way.
And I ran,
I ran all night and day.